Sadness versus Depression

I've been kind of sad these last few days. It started on Thursday night by kindly knocking the wind from my lungs and my legs right out from under me. Those nasty little voices that say horrible little things to me, which I work so hard to ignore, decided to gang up and create a cacophony of emotional abuse. In an all-new low thanks to my aging, the voices actually started mocking me about my own death. "If you died," they taunted, "sure, people would be sad and miss you, but it wouldn't really matter in any significant way to anyone. You've got no one depending on you." WHAT?! Oh, yes. That's right. An all-new low and a brand new demon to shout from the sidelines on those hormonal, lightless or otherwise yucky days. I actually considered the impact of my own death on whether or not my life has value. The upside of this is it shows a great deal of creativity for those voices. I mean, they didn't go to the "just a secretary" place or tell me that I'm fat and/or ugly... just that I don't really matter. So I cried. And I called friends. And I got the loving support I needed. The rest of the weekend was a bit better, though my psyche seemed to have purchased a wristband for unlimited roller coaster rides. Up, down, loop-to-loop. The breaks between swings, of which there were many, gave me a little time to think about this whole sadness versus depression thing. After careful consideration, I have decided that depression, though much more serious and potentially dangerous, has it over sadness in a few key areas that shouldn't go unnoticed. First of all, depression, once past the initial stages, generates numbness. Awful numbness, but numbness nevertheless. Sometimes not feeling anything is better than feeling shitty. It can also be easier to just check out when depressed. Go to bed at 6 PM, put on that one movie you can't stop watching, drink booze, whatever it is. If you're a good depressive, you've got something that does it. Mine used to be Buffy but now that show is so strongly associated with a particular depression, that it has lost its generalizability. (If you have any suggestions for good depression check-out tools that don't involve ingesting something, please let me know.) Secondly, depression collapses one into total victim mentality. And once you're a victim, you don't have responsibility for your situation. Depression relieves you of the possibility that you can make things better. And if you can't possibly make things better, there is nothing you have to do. Easy. No work. No effort. Just be. Sadness, on the other hand, may not do this. It may merely make you painfully aware of how things can and should be changed. You aren't numb, so you still care. And you're not a victim, so you do have the power to make things happen. Pain and work. Pain and work. Not that I wish I were depressed or anything. How twisted would that be? I'm just saying, it's important to have a good perspective on things.